Time-Out Should Never Be used on Babies or Toddlers: They Hurt and Never Teach The Lesson You Want Kimberley Clayton Blaine, MA, MFT Parents are posting their child’s time out videos on the Internet. All of these children are all under 24 months of age- still in diapers. Is this where parents are going for child rearing information? Or is this an avenue for parents to display how funny it is to see a young child being disciplined as entertainment? It is virtually impossible for a child this young to cognitively understand what a time-out is, let alone understand why their parents have such high expectations for them when they have such little life experience. There were more than 10 types of videos like this posted on YouTube and some were viewed up to 200 times. The lack of respect it takes to film a child's most embarrassing moments as entertainment and the misuse of time-outs that are now serving as punishment rather than guidance, basically makes this type of treatment abuse. No, it is not reportable by standard definitions, but again if you humiliated an adult and video taped your punishing him, it would be considered abusive. I called one of my mentors, Murray A. Strauss (Professor of Sociology and Co-Director Family Research Laboratory University of New Hampshire) to discuss my dismay and sadness over these public videos. He encouraged me to continue to write this article on the misuse and over-use of time-outs. In the past, time-outs were seen as a way to help correct a child’s behavior, however today they are naively used as a form of punishment. This is a clear example of where American parents are failing their children and our society. It’s humiliating enough for a child to be disciplined in private, but then to post it on the Internet? What purpose does this serve? Parents are role models for their children. No wonder teens are engaging in such questionable activities online, if that’s what they see adults doing, then maybe it’s okay for them. As Alfie Kohn states in his book, Unconditional Parenting, (2005), many parents are cracking down on their young children just for being kids, which is heartbreaking to watch. Parents who understand children’s developmental limitations tend to respond to their children in a reasonable, calm and patient manner. The coerciveness and misuse of time-outs on the very young are usually done because parents are lacking knowledge of child development and have unrealistically high expectations. When young children are upset, they unravel and spin out of control. Stress hormones are released and their ability to take control of their emotions is almost impossible. This is when they need their parents most. The misuse of a time-out is not only punishing but alienating, and may spark a physiological out of control response. If Youtube children had parents who were more empathetic to their needs or who were emotion coaches, there would be less stress and emotional breakdown. Parents who empathize with their children would understand that a 15 month can’t simply know the true ramifications of spilling his fruit loops and stepping on them (like the little boy in the YouTube time-out video). He’s just playing and they make a great sound under his feet. I saw a 2-year-old toddler being made to stand in the corner who was repeatedly asked by her mom holding the camera, “Will you be good?” and the toddler would whimper and shake her head “No.” Little did the mother understand that toddlers who are under emotional stress (which time outs clearly cause) have a hard time understanding language or parental requests. When emotionally distraught, they don’t understand and have trouble focusing because they are overwhelmed with feelings. Her daughter was shaking her head NO because all she felt at the moment was “No, I don’t like what is happening to me.” However, the mother kept insisting that she say, “Yes, mommy, I’ll be good.” Her mother never clarified what “good” meant, so even if she agreed, she does not know what she is agreeing to. So, she is likely to end up in the corner again without even knowing it. There was a little boy who was clearly under 20 months. Just an innocent child sitting in the corner crying as his father videotapes. We all know that getting a child to sit at this age is very difficult. I could see that this little boy was sitting not because he was learning a lesson on how to be good, but he was basically sitting in fear, following directions because he feared his intimidator, the man with the camera, whom he calls “daddy.” There was also a baby in a highchair about 12 months old who was turned to the corner for his time out because he was making bubbles into his cereal and spitting out. His parents laughed at him and said, “I bet you’ll never do that again.” These children are not being spanked, for which I didn’t even dare search Youtube for those videos, however these children were being disciplined in a way that the parents are not aware will never work…and at what cost? Just because the toddlers stopped their poor behavior for the moment, doesn’t mean that they understand what a time-out is. These children ceased their behavior because they were afraid of their parents love withdrawal and rejection. Parents are using time-outs as punishment, but research shows that negative motivation doesn’t work. A toddler’s developing brain cannot process and integrate the complex message of a time-out. Although I personally am opposed to using time outs with children, most use time-outs so that children can calm themselves down, think about what they did, and to come up with a better solution. This is mentally impossible for a child under 2 years of age, especially alone. And, how are they supposed to know how to do it unless someone shows them? Would you expect an adult to know how to drive a car if they have never been in one before? Toddlers are one-dimensional and depend on their parents to guide them though tough times and learning moments. Toddlers have limited emotion regulation and need a caring adult to empathize, soothe and guide them. Children who are put into repeated time-outs may develop poor emotion control because they are left alone with no one to soothe or guide them during the upheaval. Experts and pioneers in the field of early childhood and emotion regulation have written books to help American parents become more effective and humane when disciplining their children. Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that creating a stronger bond between parent and child involves empathy. He believes that empathy is the foundation for effective parenting (Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child, 1997). The more empathy a parent has for their young child, the stronger the relationship and thus less acting out. Connection is the key ingredient in helping guide our malleable children. Punishment disconnects us from our children and impairs the goal of helping them become self-sufficient. Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, the Author of, “Kids, Parents and Power Struggles,” believes that when a parent takes time to listen and respond instead of resorting to love withdraw or alienation, the child learns to view that bond as rewarding. Children need role models and their parents to build a healthy relationship. When you take time to connect and help your child choose appropriate actions through guidance, then there is no need for emotionally draining time-outs. Alfie Kohn offers the following to help parents express unconditional love and how to imagine their toddler’s point of view:
Mary Sheedy Kurcinka’s work highlights the importance of; connecting instead of disconnecting, assisting instead of taking over, listen instead of lecturing, help instead of abandoning, state rather than shriek, smile more and frown less, and think about your relationship in the long run. As Dr. Gottman so eloquently puts it, “Good parenting begins in your heart, and then continues on a moment-to-moment basis by engaging your children when feelings run high, when they are sad, angry, or scared. The heart of parenting is being there in a particular way when it really counts.” For more books on positive parents practice, please visit: www.TheGoToMom.TV Copyright 2008 |
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