Making Children Say “I’m Sorry” Is it the Right Thing to Do?

Kimberley Clayton Blaine, MA, MFT

Have you ever asked or demanded that your child say “sorry” to another child?  When intervening in this type of scenario, parents report feeling like they are being too pushy and often feel uncomfortable.  There is a good reason why parents may feel confused about making this request of their child.

Children usually are not sorry when they do something wrong. When an adult makes a child say,” I’m sorry” they are asking the child to be insincere.

We want children’s words to match their intentions; therefore we should never ask a child to say, “I’m sorry” to someone, because typically they are not.

If a child chooses to say, “I’m sorry” on her own, then that is different. 

Telling children to do something that they don’t feel is a form of insincerity.  And remember, we don’t want a power-over type of relationship, we want a power-with.

When your child does something that you feel warrants an apology, you, the adult can apologize. This doesn’t mean that you let your child off the hook for the misdeed. 

Talk with your child about what happened and how they can do things differently next time.  Ask them how the other child may have felt by the situation.  Let them know you are always there to help.  Teach empathy by practicing empathy.

Parents and children are a team working together to find
their way through the life long shared learning process J

Copyright 2006 all rights reserved.