Parenting Tips from The Go-To Mom.tv

Good Reasons Why Children Should Not Be Spanked
Kimberley Clayton Blaine, MA, MFT
Founder of www.TheGoToMom.TV

Do you want your children to listen to you because they love and respect you or because they fear you? In our growing society of new and experienced parents many are coming to grips with the fact that hitting their children as a form of discipline does not work. Although spanking may work in the short run, parents are questioning if the long-term effects are worth it. Can children be taught a lesson in a non-aggressive manner? Will it last? The child development experts are still saying that spankings teach short-term lesson, but long-term violence. When polled, (Children’s Institute, Inc. 1999) American parents said that they resort to hitting for lack of other effective alternatives.

The following provides helpful information on why children should not spanked and how teaching your child a lesson is based on the relationship that you have with him or her and less on the physical punishment that instills fear.

Children's optimal development occurs in nurturing and violence-free environments. Remember when you were a little child and everything was so exciting to you. You may have felt that world was a fun place to be. No judgments, no responsibilities, no jobs to tend to and you were free to do what ever was fun and interesting. During that time is when you probably learned the most. Spanking impairs the ability to learn. When a child is in a calm and non-threatening state the brain is in its prime to learn. However, if spanking a child makes him or her feel angry or scared they become hypervigilant, and learning comes to a screeching halt. Children who are taught to fear regular spankings tend to live in a semi-agitated state that is not conducive to optimal learning (Perry, 1999).

Spanking teaches children that it is okay to hit and that violence works and children who hit learn to be hitters themselves. You can't tell your child to not hit his or her siblings if you are hitting him or her yourself as a source of discipline. This only confuses your child. If your child does what they're told because of the spanking, the lesson you've taught is, "violence works." And you can bet that they will learn from your actions, and as a result, use force to win in other situations. When your child grows up do you want him or her to discuss problems with their spouse or use force to settle conflict?

Children learn good behavior by imitating good behavior. This concept is no different than you telling your youngest child to watch how his big brother takes such good care of the family pet. Children learn morals, values and compassion from their parents. If you were to pull the dogs ears, chances are your child will also pull the dogs ears. You are teaching a lesson by example. If you hit your child, your child will learn to hit others. To prepare your child to enter into a healthy adult life with valuable skills, practice teaching him or her how to negotiate, how to compromise, the value of self motivation, and how to successfully and non-aggressively resolve conflicts.

Hitting can lead to injuries. Research (Straus 1999) shows that over time a parent who spanks tends to hit harder each time. When spankings lose the desired effect parents tend to be at risk for using too much force leaving children at risk for injury.

Hitting destroys self-esteem. Do you remember how you felt after you were hit? You probably felt anger, sadness, confusion and may have even felt unloved. Although parents do not intend for his or her child to feel these things most often they do. There are better ways of teaching children to behave Fear is not an effective way of teaching a lesson. The true meaning of the word discipline means to guide. Guidance means to teach. When we punish children, we've leave out the guidance. The following includes a variety of non-aggressive alternatives that parents can use to guide their children.

Begin providing guidance and limit setting as early as infancy
Keep communicating your words to your baby and young child
Show mild disapproval of undesirable behavior
Discuss your feelings about what you see
Empathize by putting yourself in their shoes
Offer alternatives
Redirect your child's attention
Be consistent and follow through (do what you say)
Offer encouragement when your child follows through
Thinking time - have your child sit with you and think about their actions and have him or her decide what they could do differently next time.
Offer solutions and ideas with your child - sometimes they don't know what to do and need your guidance.

Excerpt:
"When parents use guidance to teach their children about how the world works, they are being mindful. Mindful Parenting is being conscious about the importance of the parent-child relationship. A new-school parent is mindful; mindful of how influential they are to their child. A mindful parent thinks before they speak, does not act on their first emotional impulse, and seeks input from their child when challenged. It is the eb and flo of the relationship that teaches children how to be mindful."